Thursday, May 28, 2009

New thing I want:

It's on Amazon for $18.95. Available in various sizes. 790 customer reviews, averaging 4.5 stars. 8,206 of 8,275 people found the following review helpful:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you, wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women.
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

Make sure you check out the customer images. (There's 102 of them.) Here's the rest of the story. They're flying off the shelves! I love this. I love all the irreverent, excitable people out there. I love how there are so many of us, growing swiftly a grassroots movement, just to be entertained. Probably because somewhere, tv failed us.

I also love this. I saw the piece a couple days ago, actually, and my head cocked to one side reflexively like a golden retriever witnessing enthusiastic, mating elephants. It is the perfect merging of science, politics, comedy, and general contracting. There's a future in painting our roofs white! I had so much to say about the notion, but Lileks beat me to it:

Maybe we should paint all our roofs white to forestall the inevitable climate catastrophe. And oil up the barn doors, while we’re at it. I’d be curious to see what percentage of the United States consists of roofs. I think it’s rather small. But it’s an interesting idea, inasmuch as it isn’t going to happen, but will be talked about in serious tones. These things invariably lead to excitable public servants coming back - via jet, of course - from a really exciting convention where there was just a lot of positive energy about change, and then the officials commission a White Roof Study, which leads to someone commissioning a White Roof Commission, which leads to outreach, consciousness raising, and a total of 145 white roofs in town - and this leads to a newspaper story about the Growing Trend towards white roofs. A few city buildings are painted; the mayor is on hand for each. They look filthy after six months. One day in July passersby are treated to the site of city workers hosing down the roof in the middle of a drought.

Lastly, in the same vein, there is this. For those seriously intent on starting the Revolution, there will be one, just as soon as the government tells us to stop drinking beer and Coca-Cola, and no more eating meat and chocolate. The climate Gestapo is coming through town this afternoon to enforce it. Stay starving in your white homes and wolf shirts until the *all clear* sounds.

Up in arms!