Saturday, September 1, 2007

If You Saw a Heat Wave, Would You Wave Back?

Yes, it's hot enough for me. Oh, I should probably shut up about it already, but it's hot. And by "hot" I mean just all-around irritatingly hot. It's not hot like Las Vegas/Death Valley hot, I actually like that kind of heat -dry, searing, sunny heat. No, this hot is like a walking illness. It's like bathing in a day-old soup. You just can't get comfortable, can't take off enough clothes, always sticky. We don't have air conditioning, but I walked past the thermostat (which read in the nineties all day) and noticed that there was a switch on it that I could set to "Cool", if I wanted. I knew it wouldn't do anything and I thought about switching it over just for the psychological effect, but then it occurred to me that a tiny microwatt of power might be utilized in the attempt to turn on the invisible air conditioner, and I didn't want even that much more heat in the house. San Diego Gas and Electric asked all their customers to conserve energy by setting their thermostats to 78 degrees. 78! I dream of 78! And when the sun goes down finally, it's hotter in your house than it is outside. Man. Days like these you wish you lived in Lemon Grove, Best Climate On Earth.

My wife mentioned we might want to seriously consider a "Whole House Fan" and I immediately pictured a 50'x50' box fan plugged into the main power grid, erected out in the street, blocking traffic. That sounds good. Set it to "High". But no, she means the big fan that sucks all the air out of your house and up into the attic where hot air belongs. I guess. At this point, the heat is dimming any distant notion of comfort. The poor Little Ditchman tonight just refused to put her diaper on when she got out of the bath. Who can blame her? What would you do if someone forced you to wear a diaper in this heat?

I think the heat has affected one of my hard drives. Of course, it's the one with all the music on it, and it seems the data that holds the music to all of Elvis Presley's number one hits has been corrupted. Not that I wanted to listen to "Burning Love" all day, but it's screwing with the AppleTV. Yes, yes, I hear you smirking in the distance. Turns out the AppleTV is having trouble syncing everything because of it. It tries and tries and tries, all the while bogging down my computer, so I can't get anything else done. Of course, the AppleTV has a processor in it that's twice as fast as my computer, so I guess I should be glad it works at all.

Another thing, this AppleTV gets frickin' HOT! And you can't turn it off! That's right, there's no on/off switch on this thing. Genius! Apple is so innovative and forward thinking, you really have to hand it to them on this one. But seriously, the thing gets so hot they should've made it in the shape of a coffee mug coaster. At one point today in my feverish binge to get the house cooled by at least a single degree, I seriously considered the possibility that it was the AppleTV that was causing the heatwave. That, or the 500 watt metal halide bulb I use on my aquarium. And we've been out of beer all week. Either way, I was dying here. My poor little kid was just slumped on the couch muttering, "Elmo... elmo... elmo..." I gave her some ice.

So when my wife came home from work I fired up the barbecue, but only because I wasn't about to work the stove top and oven inside. Actually, it probably would've been fine to just suck on the frozen chicken thighs for dinner, right out of the freezer.

And we recently got new sheets for our bed, too, and a nice, cushy comforter (!) so I'm not looking forward to not sleeping tonight. I think I'd rather just lay here on the hardwood floor. "Look, honey! I think I found the lowest spot in the house!"

Anyway, as I lay there in my boxer shorts and pathetically complain through it all, the cat saunters in and just looks at me like, you think you got it bad?