Thursday, September 27, 2007

Remember how the series frittered itself away until it came to that lasting image of Lee Majors chasing after Bigfoot in that revolving ice tunnel in Universal Studios?

Just thought I'd mention it.

Tonight we watched Bionic Woman, which is a new show on television which is based on the old show on television which was based on the show before that, The Six Million Dollar Man. It's horrible, of course, but there's nothing else on. There hasn't been anything else on in months! Not since LOST and 24 went off the air until January, anyway. We watch two or three shows here on Eastview Court, depending on how you look at it, and that's it. Anything else is just news, the adult-alternative music station, or AppleTV. And lately there have been spats of kids shows, Elmo and the like, but that's it. And Discovery. We watch the Discovery channel. Nothing else. Sometimes Science channel or Animal Planet. Or the old movie channels. Or Home and Garden Network. Nothing else. Maybe the Travel Channel, if it's not about poker.

No, really. This family watches LOST, 24, and House. And House we're not even a hundred percent committed to yet, for some reason (even though I'm convinced it's the best written show on television.) The woman watches Dancing with the Stars, which makes me queasy from all the pooftas, and I watch Survivorman, which only has a few episodes, so I've seen them all twice. The Mythbusters and Deadliest Catch episodes just seem to repeat unendingly, so it's not like we really sit down and watch those. And Sunrise Earth we're only half awake for anyway, so it doesn't count. But really, there hasn't been anything on in months.

We don't do Netflix, because we can't commit to sitting in one place for over an hour without nodding off, so from time to time there is the errant night where we've had dinner, the kid is asleep, and we're just sitting there and there's nothing on. When this happens, I just pick something at random because I know my wife is just going to nod off in the next few minutes anyway.

And tonight it was Bionic Woman. Wow, what dull, redundant blather. Do you remember the original series? It was originally six million dollars that made the man so bitchin'. Now it's fifty million, due to inflation. What's new and inventive about the series? Nothing. Well, she's hotter than Lindsey Wagner, but that might just be from the tight outfits she favors in every other scene (and often, it's raining.) And, if memory serves, Steve Austin had the bionic eye, and Jaime Somers had the bionic ear. In this one, get this, she has both! No kidding. The write-up in the cable guide said that "after a terrible accident, she is given robotic limbs and then is visited by the original bionic woman" which I understood to mean that Lindsay Wagner was going to be making a guest appearance in the remake pilot! But it was not to be. This new original bionic woman character is like the Terminatrix in Termintor 3, (you remember, of course) and she has an evil streak in her so the two hot bionic women were destined to duke it out in the final scene of tonight's episode. Towards the end, Mrs. Ditchman woke up for two seconds to say, "Oh, cat fight." Then she rolled over and went back to sleep.

So no Lindsay Wagner. This was really the whole reason I committed to the hour, and now I want my hour back. Seriously, I kind of feel sorry for Lindsay Wagner doing those mattress commercials nowadays. She was a superheroine on all the lunchboxes and whatnot, and now it's like she just wants to sleep. Tired from the drudgery of catching bad guys, day in, day out. Who wouldn't be? My job's exhausting and there's no good vs. evil battle all day long. Then again, isn't she bionic? Why would she be so tired? Boggles the mind, really.

So don't watch it. The re-emerged popularity of cliffhanger shows must've really ticked off the fans, as it has affected all of network programming, to the point that entire seasons are halved by sword and delayed for six months in order to avoid a "cliffhanger moment" that lasts longer than a week. So there's nothing on for half a year now!

Actually, this is a good thing.