Thursday, October 22, 2009

Attention family: I believe there would be a substantial increase in domestic productivity if everyone would stay in bed until there is at least some semblance of daylight outside. The reasons for being up before the crack of dawn are few, and I see no reason to repeatedly exploit them. The daddy is tired, and the mommy, moreso. Daylight Savings is coming in a week and if we persist in the whimsy of waking at, say, 4:47, when we move the clocks back an hour we will be inclined to wake at 3:47, and this is unacceptable. I understand you have teeth coming in. I hear you having the bad dream. And it appears you have wet the bed. I, too, have similar bothersome ailments. You getting me up in the middle of the night is one of them.

Can't you see how we trudge through our daily chores like mindless zombies? Don't you wonder why we are constantly dropping dishes and bumping into walls? Your daddy works with sharp-edged tools on a daily basis and needs to maintain his concentration, which he derives from full nights of undisturbed sleep. Your daddy loves you, little ones, and wants to hold you and tickle you and play with you, but he won't be able to do this if he accidentally saws his limbs off.

In the same vein, you should know that your mommy doesn't like screaming at you any more than you like to hear it, and probably even less so. Her patience is dangling from the end of a rope in a bottomless well. Be aware that this is not the woman I found and married before you were born. That woman was carefree, content, and from time to time wore makeup. I know it sounds like a distant fairy tale, but it's true. I believe peace and tranquility will one day return, my winsome queen will once again rule, and there will be harmony to the hinterlands, but as long as we're not getting a full night's sleep this nirvana is a useless pipe dream.

Virgil wrote that sleep is Death's brother, which is why siblings must never be allowed to fight. You kids don't know how lucky you have it. Don't get me started. And don't try to string us along by being intermittently cute -this isn't going to work anymore. You think you know how to whine? Because I'll show you a real whiner. The book will be published when you reach adolescence, the world will read it, and you will be shamed and embarrassed to no end. Think I'm kidding? Just stop and think about it. No, really. Just. Stop.

This is a simple plan that will have lasting effects: STAY IN BED, ASLEEP, UNTIL DAYBREAK. If you have to go to the bathroom, get up and go. There's no reason to come and wake us to say you need to go. Furthermore, it was only a dream, and that sound was nothing. Please, for the sake of all that is holy and pure, let mommy and daddy sleep. Don't make us beg.