Wednesday, March 18, 2009

We did not win the HGTV Dream Home, if you were wondering, or if you missed the live segment where the announcer arrived at the winners' boring house and handed them the free car. (If you would have seen it, you would have noticed right off the bat that the couple were not Ditchmans.) The overly-decorated home, fully furnished and painted in gaudy colors, was in Sonoma wine country and you, our lucky friends, were to be allowed to rent it from us for a nice Napa vacation. As a frequent TMST reader, we were going to offer you a significant discount!

But alas, we're stuck here in the beautiful Oceanside suburbs, and barely affording the taxes on the one place. Mrs. Ditchman said that if we had won we would just move, to get out of SoCal for the first time and try and start a new life elsewhere, building aluminum patio covers for wineries and so forth. I suppose I could get a job as a finish carpenter, or something. If there is a Land of Opportunity out there, MapQuest it and forward an email.

On to the good news: Steve Wozniak made it past the first cut on Dancing With The Stars! Fantastic! Who knew that Belinda Carlisle never had the moves? (I guess having the beat just wasn't enough.) Mrs. Ditchman was at Bunco last night, where she neither won nor lost bad enough to win, and so I was at home with the two kids and my corned beef and cabbage. I did not watch Dancing With the Stars. I watched something on the History Channel about some guy's new theory on how the pyramids were built (from the inside, with tracks and cranes.) All the network shows go to 10:03 or 9:06 or something now, so at 10:00 I switched over to ABC and caught Wozniak's sweaty brow and frozen smile. He looked like a beleaguered Teletubby with a stunned look on his face like the timer just ran out and the explosives in his bowtie failed to detonate. Anyway, he still had his head. (I gave him two shows before he's gone, if you'll recall.)

(The "Teletubby" part is from one of the DWTS judges. He said it. It stuck. Now if you Google "Wozniak" and "Teletubby" you get 25,000 results. Oh, this modern world...)

But Wozniak retained an odd sense of likability, which Belinda lacked. She had an air about her that evoked that she would much rather be chanting with Buddhist monks, and hey, who could blame her? It's Dancing With The Stars, for crying out loud! Clearly, they forced her to go on the show.

Which I still maintain should be called "Dancing with the Has-Beens," only, the producers stepped it up a bit this time by putting a guy on there who is not yet a star, but perhaps will get a career boost out of it. His name is Gilles Marini and he's a model from France, so he's super-sexy. I guess he had a walk-on part in a handful of tv shows, but I'd never heard of him. What do you want to bet he's the new star of some ABC thing in the fall lineup? Yes. Nothing. Don't worry, now that he's been on DWTS his career is doomed for sure.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it's Wednesday. Because there's nothing on my mind right now. Because I'm feeling profoundly underwhelmed like a sheep or a cow or a pelican or something. Because last night's beef was either overly, or underly, corned and I slept uneasily all night as a result. I feel incapable today, which I'm sure is derived from yesterday's lack of accomplishment. But a new episode of Lost is on tonight, and I'm sure to find myself there.

And tomorrow? Up with the concrete guys.