I was charged with taking out the diaper bin trash this morning before the mommy charged off to Jazzercise with her wailing battalion in tow. This was unfortunate because A) the diaper bin trash event is always a nasty, foul one, and B) the garbage man, early-riser that he is, had already arrived, collected, and driven off -the story thus culminating in our child's excrement sitting in a bag in the can on the side of the house for another week, under the hot July sun.

Some things procrastinated are better left unmentioned altogether.

In other, more cheerful, garbage news: we bought a new trash can for the kitchen. It's a Costco item, stainless steel and battery-powered. Yes, that's right, battery-powered. All things are going electronic nowadays, don't you know? So you plop a few (non-disposable) D-cells in the bottom of the thing and it opens its lid for you by way of the "intelligent infrared sensor system." Just wave your hand in front of it and whoop -the lid opens, ready for trash! "Touchless!" it declares on the box. There is a learning curve, however, as you never really realize how often you use two hands to carry trash to the bin until you're standing there and... how shall I wave my hand in front of thee? So you move some of the trash over the sensor and whoop up goes the lid, knocking your trash. As well, sometimes I wave my hand and it doesn't open, like, these are not the garbage cans you're looking for... Who invents these things? Was there a flaw in the foot pedal design?

The Little Ditchman seems to enjoy it. I tried to teach her how to jettison garbage with flair by displaying that it was necessary to say "Abracadabra!" each time you magically open it, but alas, this did not catch on. 'Twas not such a bad purchase, though, and it was relatively inexpensive, which was important at the moment because there was no non-electronic trash can for sale, oddly. Anyway, the thing has a truly friendly, servantile demeanor. Walk too close to it and it opens for you sometimes, with a supplicating look on its simple-minded metal maw, asking, ...Trash?

Also, it came with a smaller duplicate of itself -free! So we now have two automatic, battery-powered, infrared-sensing, stainless-steel, self-opening garbage pails. We put the other one in the downstairs bathroom, and it's like the mini-me of the kitchen one, asking politely when you enter the privy ...trash?

Honestly, I didn't think this was a necessary electronic purchase for the home, but the previous can was just cracked, scratched, busted and uncleanable. I emptied it before I disposed of it and I thought, What am I doing? I mean, how do you throw out a trash can? Answer: bigger trash can. (I honestly wish I had a funnier, more profound punchline to that question.) I guess I could just put it out on the curb. One man's trash (can) is another man's treasure (chest).

Next up: we need a new coffee maker. Does yours take an hour to make half a pot of coffee even when you poured a full pot of water in it? Where does all the other water go? And why are these cabinets all hot and damp?


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