Oh, the woes of a morning without coffee. There was some discussion about it last night around dinner time. "We're all out of coffee. I'm going to the store to get some."

"At this hour?"

"You'll be glad about it tomorrow."

I talked Mrs. Ditchman out of it, for some dumb reason. After a long day of work, driving to the store for coffee I would not drink for twelve hours sounded more painful to me than waking up without it. And here we are. I had tea, which is like pouring lemonade into a gas tank. When I was in England for a few months, I had tea every morning, and actually grew to enjoy the stuff, but that was when I was young and virile and didn't need crutches.

So no coffee. I'll live. (Only slower.)

Time for the roundup of this week's news of significance...

From the University of Bored Scientists Flushing Away Your Tax Dollars. Imagine the possibilities! We could avoid moody people by merely farting in their general direction!

From Space, The Final Frontier. The Japanese orbital closet has been delivered and installed! They celebrated by eating lunch with chopsticks in zero gravity. No, really. Next up for those innovative Japanese astronauts: launching paper airplanes from the space station. Cool!

State wildlife officials in Ohio are posing as fishermen. Yes, that's right, undercover fishermen, to bust people who catch more than their limit. Don't worry, though. In the future, the fish will catch themselves.

Remember when we put the Arabs in charge of American shipping port security? And then we outsourced the manufacturing of the Air Force to France? And then there was that time when we accidentally sent nuclear missile parts to Taiwan? Well, now our passports will be made in Thailand. Don't worry, the Mexicans are sending troops to the U.S. border. Wait, what? Wake me when we win the War on Terror.

More signs the End is near. God is drunk, living in Ipswich, and refuses to appear in court for his traffic violations. In other The-End-Is-Near news, the inventor of the egg mcmuffin has died.

I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend. I'm going to take it easy in the yard, and smoke with the tortoises.

Enjoy life!


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